My Actual Thoughts on Being Ace

Hi all! Ok first of all, happy Pride Month to everyone who celebrates :3

I was a bit hesitant to post this because it's a slighty sensitive topic for me. Sexuality is such a diverse and sometimes confusing thing -- it's not really something I have actively attempted to explore outside the past year or so. While I might've known since highschool, being asexual didn't register to me until I reached my 20s. Of course, being the age where a lot of people get into relationships, it triggers a lot of mixed feelings. And with it being Pride Month, it's also a bit hard to avoid thinking about this topic😂

This isn't exactly an informative post; it's my personal experience! But maybe some people can learn or relate a bit. Treat this as a bit of a public diary entry. I decided to put cat pictures because this is a word salad. My attention span is dead too.

me typing on the puter

My Asexuality, Labels, and the LGBTQ+ Community

Lately, I was reminiscing about a wonderful asexual therapist I had, who had since left the school I was attending. I'm not sure where she is now (...is it weird to try to track her down so I can see her again? LOL). She guided me on some self-introspection that helped me organize my thoughts.

Honestly, I'm not a big fan of putting labels on sexuality and things like that. I mean, when you associate with a label, people immediately jump to conclusions. Hey, but I know it does help linguistically to express our thoughts, and there's no way around that. I'm asexual and on the aromantic spectrum. It doesn't fully express the nuances of how I feel or go through, but it's a start.

To be honest, I've always had difficulty relating to other people who fall under the queer or LGBTQ+ label. Maybe it is nuanced, but "not feeling" a form of attraction is still quite different than "feeling" non-heteronormative forms of attraction or variations in gender identity. Maybe that is why I always felt a bit isolated, it's hard to find a sense of community when you can't quite relate. That's not to say this is the case for all asexual people, some do identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community!

Even so, I discussed this with my therapist, who had said that her research about asexual individuals revealed that they're the non-heteronormative group that feels the least connection to the queer community. You can read the preview of the dissertation here! It's quite interesting. I’m  lowkey trying to chase her down for the full text.

we do be reading tho

Okay, okay, like I said. Thinking about this stirs up mixed feelings in me. Some asexual people deal with self-esteem issues which stem from wanting to fit in or be allosexual. I don't think I've experienced this exactly. I didn't feel exactly "broken" or like I should've been different. But you know what still makes me sad? I struggled to accept the fact that my love life got extremely nerfed. Hey, it's one thing to be ace, and it's another thing to be on the aromantic spectrum. 😂 Sheeesh.)

Asexuality and The Quest for Love?

Asexual people may or may not experience romantic attraction. If they don't, they would also be aromantic. People seem to think AroAce people would not care for a relationship at all. In fact, this could be far from the truth. They could have fulfilling relationships like everyone else! Check out more on queer platonic relationships. 

Anddddd... I swear this wasn't supposed to be an informative post but I HAVE TO SHARE THIS. This chart is so helpful and shows that there are different types of attraction besides romantic and sexual attraction. 

I don't experience sexual attraction, and would consider myself a sex-repulsed aegosexual (if I really had to choose a microlabel 😬). The romantic attraction part is harder for me to conceptualize, but I'm left feeling like I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. The weird part is, I have a gender preference! I'm more attracted to men, so perhaps I could say I'm straight. But I somehow I struggle to imagine what romantic feelings are like, and I can't confidently say I've ever experienced it. Is this the aesthetic attraction kicking in instead? I don't know, and if my therapist did not leave, I'm sure I would have asked her more about this. It remains an unanswered question in my mind! 

I experience all the other forms for attraction very clearly though. It's definitely enough for me to say that I would like to one day be in a monogamous relationship with someone who feels similarly. I deeply value platonic, intellectual, and emotional connections. I would feel attracted to someone because of that. Aesthetic attraction is a bonus too, and usually it is the first thing people typically notice. However, I think my perception of someone's beauty is also influenced by how positively or negatively I feel about them overall. So stay slaying, my fellow chopped huzz.

Last Thoughts

Well, I'm trying to stay positive that one day I will find the right person! At the same time though, I cannot deny that I feel a bit disappointed that doing so is so tricky. I may someday like someone, and they may be allosexual or alloromantic. It is incredibly hard to find out whether someone could be ace or not...because we almost never have any reason to "come out." LOL. And sure, online dating within Ace spaces is another option but... bleh that sounds like something I'm not ready for right now😅

Anyway, feeling urgency to find a partner is the weird thing you have to deal with being in your 20-somethings. I hope that I make the right choices for myself and live life without regrets. Flowers bloom where you water them the most. At this point, I may not be watering the "relationship" aspect of life, but one day I might. Right now, I have plenty of other things to grow!

I wish you all the best, thank you for reading~

Valentine